A woman's thoughts on life
1. Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
2. I dont repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
3. If I cant be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
4. My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
5. I cleaned my house yesterday, sure wish you could have seen it.
6. This isnt clutter, these are my antiques!
7. If you dont like my attitude, call 1-800-Who Cares.
8. Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!
9. "Genuine Antique Person," Been there, done that, cant remember!
10. Our policy is to always blame the computer.
11. I am not aging, I just need re-potting.
12. Take my advice, Im not using it!
13. Okay! I love you! Now can we eat?
14. You know youre getting old when you stop to think and forget to
start again.
15. Mom, I will always love you, but I will never forgive you for cleaning
my face with spit on a hanky.
16. I love to give homemade gifts ... umm, which one of the kids would
you like?
17. I have a million dollar figure -- but its all loose change!
18. By the time you find greener pastures, you cant climb the fence!
19. This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.
20. Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling
passes.
HIGH VIRUS ALERT - 'Sobig' Worm
The Bad HMO
Mrs. Ward goes to the doctors office to collect her husbands test results.
The lab tech says to her, "I am sorry, ma am, but theres been a bit of a
mix-up and we have a problem.
When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from
another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are uncertain which one is your
husbands. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.
"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimers and the other for
AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."
"Thats terrible! Can't we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive
tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If
he finds his way home, dont sleep with him."
The Aliens
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned
gas station. They approached one of the petrol pumps, and
one of them said to it, "Greetings, earthling. We come in
peace. Take us to your leader."
The petrol pump, of course, didnt respond. The alien
repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed
by what he perceived to be the petrol pumps haughty attitude,
drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Earthling, how dare you
ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you mustnt
anger him!" But before he finished his warning, the first
alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters
into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally
regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other
one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us!
But how did you know he was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If theres one thing Ive learned
during all my travels through the galaxy, its that if a guy
has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick
into his own ear, dont mess with him!"
BARBECUE BUTT
Dan and his wife were working in their garden
one day when Dan looks over at his wife and says, "Your
butt is getting really big. I mean really big. I bet
your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape
and measure the grill and then went over to where
his wife was working and measured his wifes bottom.
"Yes, I was right your butt is two inches wider
than the barbecue!!!"
The wife chose to ignore her husband. Later that
night in bed, Dan is feeling a little frisky. He makes
some advances towards his wife who completely brushes
him off.
"Whats wrong?" he asks.
She answers, "Do you really think I am going to
fire up this big-ass grill for one little wiener?"
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Hypothermia
Two guys, Jimmy and Bill are standing at the gates of heaven.
Trying to be friendly, Jimmy asks Bill, "So, how did you get here?"
Bill replies "Hypothermia, how about you?"
"Well," Jimmy said, "I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so, one day
I came home early to catch her in the act. I searched the whole house
but there was no one there. I felt so bad about the whole thing I had a
massive heart attack."
"Oh great, "said Bill, "If you would've checked the freezer we would
both be alive!"
The secrets for making a marriage last:
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go
Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is
in Cincinnati.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I havent been in a long time!" she said. So I
suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread
maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasnt
lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now.
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the
mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
10. Remember... marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
12. I havent spoken to my wife for 18 months. I dont like to interrupt
her.
13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "Whats on the
TV?" I said, "Dust!
 
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