Donna Jo's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, this causes one of the worst pileups
in history of the highway.
It's not very long before a police car shows up.
The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward Shirleen's
vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here
by the road?!" asks the cop.
Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry,
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls where termites dine,
While ants and roaches march in time.
Bless our yard where spiders pass
Fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please
Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,
The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
In Louisiana, Lord, you've put them all!
But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord for INSECT SPRAY!!!
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him
cremated and brought his ashes home with her. Picking
up the urn that he was in, she poured his ashes out on
the counter. Then, while tracing her fingers in the
ashes, she started talking to him.
"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money."
"Irving, remember that new car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money."
"Irving, you know that emerald necklace you
promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance
money."
Still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she
said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes...."
A guy took a blonde out on a date one night. Eventually they ended up
parked
at 'Lovers Point' where they started making out. After things started to
progress, the guy thought he might get lucky. After a few more minutes of
fooling around, he asked his date, "Do you want to get into the back
seat?"
"NO!" she answered.
Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and
skirt off and the windows are steamed. Things are getting really hot, so he asks
again. "Do you want to get into the back seat?"
"NO!" she answers again.
Now things are getting even hotter. She even has his pants unzipped. Okay,
he thinks, she HAS to want it now. "Do you want to get into the back seat
NOW?" he asks again.
A middle-aged woman seemed timid as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..." said the woman.
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," said the woman, "Yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"Mmmm, I see." said the doctor.
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh." the doctor said as he got more and more interested in her story.
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" She implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be frightened about..."
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.
"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a
big hurry," the woman said. " Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible,
and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed.
You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a
bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the
chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die.
But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for
three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first
wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse," The
Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear
and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the
back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse
comes back with a naked blonde.
She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee
with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other,
figuring, "Typical white man...only think one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over
to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear,
then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse
comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes
in the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical
white man going die tomorrow...can only think one
thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This
last wish, white man. What want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the
horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read
my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!!!!!!!!!!"
At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night
of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale
known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have
sexual relations with you?"
"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.
"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your
knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.
"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure... he had one of them
fancy Mitsubishis."
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