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The Pull Over
A Texas State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-30, near Texarkana. The trooper asked, "You got any ID?" The driver replied, "'Bout whut?"
You Might Be a Redneck If ...
Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
You have a relative living in your garage.
Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
None of the tires on your van are the same size.
You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it. Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.
Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet. You've slow danced in the Waffle House.
Starting your car involves popping the hood.
Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
You whistle at women in church.
You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.
You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat.
You think people who have cell phones and e-mail are uppity.
Company Picnic
The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???"
"Not a bit," the husband replied.
"I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"
Tyrone and Bubba
Bubba asked his work buddy, Tyrone, one morning,
"Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"
Tyrone replied," That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."
Amazed, Bubba asked him, "How do you get your wife to make love to you every morning?"
"That's easy,"Tyrone said." I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it!"
It goes like this:
"Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue... I love waking up and making love to you! "
Bubba was amazed, "Man, you guys are so damn sentimental and shit...."
But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife.
The next day, Bubba showed up to work just all beat to hell, bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works. Tyrone asked,
"Man, what happened to you?" Bubba said,
"I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice that's all. I just told her a poem...."
"Well, what poem did you tell her?" asked Tyrone.
Bubba told him:
"Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog... If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd hump you like a dog!"
Arkansas Blessing
Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry. Please keep it cool in mid-July. Bless the walls where termites dine, while ants and roaches march in time. Bless our yard where spiders pass the fire ant castles in the grass. Bless the garage, a home to please carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas. Bless the love bugs, two by two, the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you. Millions of creatures that fly or crawl, in Arkansas, Lord, you've put them all!! But this is home, and here we'll stay, So thank you Lord, for insect spray.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN ARKANSAS in JULY WHEN...
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron. The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
Artificial Insemination
A Redneck buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The redneck doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. so he loads the sheep into his Landrover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Landrover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep.
He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
No, she says, they're all in the Landrover and one of them is beeping the horn.
QUICK FIX
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a
couple of bottles of beer, celebrating a good day of fishing. The passenger,
Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're
gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the
bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the
seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock,
the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl. "We're on the patch!"
"BUBBA DIED"
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty bad.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his
two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope,
it ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer
took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll
him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it
ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup," said Gomer, "Every in town knew he had two assholes.
Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes
Bubba with them two assholes!'
Fix Da Outhouse
Maw is outside the house hanging up the laundry, when she hears Paw in
the
kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there
outhouse." Paw says, "Oh All right, Maw." Paw walks out to the outhouse,
looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here
outhouse!" Maw says, "Yes there is. Put your head down in the hole."
Paw
puts his head down in the hole and he says, "Maw, there ain't nothin'
wrong
with this here outhouse!" Maw says, "Now pull your head out of the
hole."
Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's
stuck in the cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
Crisco
There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling
out, "Crisco, Crisssco!"
Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle
five."
"Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking
Crisco, I am calling my wife."
"Your wife is named "Crisco?"
"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we're out in
public."
"Oh? What do you call her when you are at home?"
"Lard ass."
Redneck Love Poem
Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all those fleas
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds......
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!!
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Redneck Jokes
